Professor to the rescue
by YonderB
Summary: McGonagall and Harry enter Grimmauld place to find Remus Lupin and Sirius Black bombed out of their sculls. Who will save the poor innocent little Mr Potter? Slight swearing and other stuff.


It was a cool autumn night when Harry, Moody and McGonagall entered Grimmauld place.

The two professors had just collected Harry from the Dursleys, and in a rather unnecessarily menacing way, in McGonagall's opinion.

The moment the door closed, Moody said two simple words. "Oh _shit_."

McGonagall and Harry looked at him. "What is it?" questioned Minerva.

Moody's large blue eye was fixed upward, quivering, on the spot. "We're in deep shit."

"Why?" blinked Harry.

Moody just pointed upward, and disappeared with a loud _CRACK_, leaving teacher and student to wonder what just happened.

"HARREH ISH HERE!" came a scream from upstairs.

Harry blinked and McGonagall placed a hand to her forehead, murmuring a soft 'oh dear merlin' to herself.

There was the sound of stumbling, then Sirius burst out from the doorway above the stairs, his arms thrown wide, a jaw-splitting grin on his face, and a half-empty firewhisky bottle in his hand.

Harry rose his eyebrows and McGonagall hoped she wouldn't be scarred like she had been last time she had seen Sirius grinning like that.

It had been after Griffindor won the quiddich cup, and Sirius had been so happy that he agreed to streak around the castle, completely naked, painted red and gold, and while he had been painted, someone had added a few more male body-parts to him magically.

McGonagall hoped dearly that that would not happen again. Even if it _was_ a sight to behold.

"_HARRY_!" Sirius cheered, beaming down at his perplexed god-son.

"Don't scare the poor lad, Paddy." came the soft voice of Remus as he stepped past Sirius, through the doorway he was standing in.

Harry's eyebrows shot upwards.

Remus was standing there nonchalantly beside Sirius, his eyes half-lidded, a slight blush on his cheeks and a delicate glass goblet that was filled with firewhisky clasped gently in his hands.

"Merlin's _beard_..." McGonacall whispered softly, Harry gawking in agreement.

"MOONY, MY DEAR LAD!" Sirius cheered suddenly, almost as though he didn't even know Remus was there before, launching at Remus to hug him. Remus side-stepped the drunk wizard, and Sirius tumbled down the stairs dramatically, landing with a loud THLUMP at Harry and McGonagall's feet.

Miraculously, he was not hurt, nor was his bottle of whisky.

Remus slid down the bannister gracefully -side-saddle, for all those who were wondering- and landed lightly in front of McGonagall, swaying forward slightly on his toes in a deformed sort of bow, before regaining his balance and standing strait again.

"You're drunk." Harry said in awe.

"Thats a dirty _lie_!" Sirius howled from the floor. "And I intend on pressing charges! The minute I'm sober."

Remus handed Harry his goblet politely, which the teen took, still perplexed, before the ex-professor turned and heaved Sirius to his feet, Sirius singing a deformed form of '_god bless the thinger-ma-whatsits_'.

Finally having his friend on his feet, Remus brushed the dust off Sirius' robes.

"Mr Lupin!" McGonagall suddenly snapped.

Remus whipped around with wide eyes and saluted to Minerva. "Yes, ma'am?" There was a loud crash as Sirius forgot how to stand and fell backwards, onto the stairs once again.

"ARGH! MERLIN-FUCKING STAIRS!" shrieked Sirius from the floor, his whiskey bottle still in hand.

"Why exactly are you and Mr Black both drunk!" McGonagall snapped in her best _i-am-going-to-keep-you-in-detention-until-you're-old-and-grey_ voice.

Remus paused, before his hand fell from his forehead, taking his goblet from Harry, looking up at the ceiling, as though the answer was written there. "Uuummmm..."

"Don't tell me Mr Black, you, Mr Pettigrew and Mr Potter have been setting dung-bombs about the place again, have you?" McGonagall snapped.

Harry stared at Minerva as though she'd gone loony.

"Yes!" Remus cheered, flinging his hand up so fast that the contents of the goblet he was holding, spilt over the edges and splashed onto the floor. "_That's_ it!"

Minerva sighed and shook her head in a disapproving manner. "Go to your room, Mr Lupin! And take Mr Black with you."

"But I don't want him in my room, miss!" Remus gasped with a horrified look, placing an offended -and slightly damp- hand to his chest.

Minerva nodded. "Very well. Put him in his room, then."

"Do I _haaave_ to?" Remus whined, clasping his hands together and staring at McGonagall with almost painfully cute puppy-eyes.

"Remember you learnt that from me, dammit!" shouted Sirius from the floor, waving his fist around -which conveniently had the whisky bottle in it-, thus, spraying everything around him with firewhisky.

Minerva sighed softly and took Harry by the arm, turning to the kitchen. "Off with you, Mr Lupin and Mr Black! Twenty points from griffindor!"

There was a duel groan from the two drunk adults as Harry was led down to the kitchen.

"How can you do that, professor?" Harry asked finally, staring at McGonagall with new-found respect, or horror, sitting at the table.

"I'm used to children." McGonagall said simply, placing a cup of tea in front of Harry.

There was a shriek from upstairs, and the panicked voice of Lupin shot into the kitchen. "PROFESSOR! SIRIUS KEEPS _TOUCHING_ ME!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO SO!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO SO!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO S--oh _bullocks_!"

"Ha! Padfoot lost! Wait-- What are you-- _AAAHHH_! PROFESSOR! HEEELP!"

There was a crash and numerous screams from upstairs.

"Owie! I've got a boo-boo!"

"I'll shove your boo-boo right up your--"

"Professor to the rescue _again_." sighed McGonagall, sweeping out of the kitchen and out of view.

Harry silently sat there, staring blankly at the wall.

"Well, that was interesting." Harry finally said to no one.

((END. i really don't know what this achieves, but it gave me a giggle or two. i hope you liked it!))


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